Just a Thought

My own smallness is thrilling. By the crashing ocean or in a driving Kenyan thunderstorm I am this tiny thing and I matter so little that it is amazing; that I forget why on earth I operate with any sort of caution or careful behavior. I can live and love and laugh and hurt and cry and be and die and I can do it all at once, and it is amazing. It is amazing because it doesn’t matter to the rest of the universe. I can do anything and not hurt it. Anything can happen and things will go on and that is so freeing. I can go climb a tree and break my leg and the worst it can do is hurt for a bit. I can throw my heart at people and they can drop it splat on the ground, and the worst it can do is cause me some temporary pain. “Temporary” could mean weeks or months or even years, but what is that in the scope of infinity? How much worse is it for something like me, with ultimately so little to lose, to just sit here and do nothing? Invest nothing, feel nothing? I can do anything, because I am nothing. Bring it on.

Do you know what that means? That means what I am right now doesn’t matter to the infinite universe! I can, in this particular moment, be selfish or lazy or arrogant or overly-analytical, and I am not hurting the universe. I can be free to have my flaws, try to change them, to fall flat on my face in failure and the universe doesn’t care. I can feel anything right now—-I can feel angry or sad or unattractive or pissy or bored—-and it matters so little to the rest of the world that how much can those feelings actually mean? And if they don’t mean all that much after all, how much power do they really have over me?

Look, guys, we don’t matter and that is awesome. Maybe when you realize how little your pain or failure really counts in the grand scheme of things, it gives you freedom, and maybe that freedom provides you with the potential to do something that actually does matter.

Maybe others might not see it that way, and of course there are times that call for meticulous thought and care, but I know I tend to take myself too seriously and that inhibits me from doing things and being things and investing in people, from taking risks and living my life. And I get tired of that, of being so careful and worrisome. There’s freedom and thrill right there for the taking; all I need to do is chill out. Stop overthinking everything. And know that if I do chill out and stop overthinking, it’s going to be ok. Really, it is. Cause it’s not as big of a deal as I’m making it.
Embracing that is easier said than done, but something I need to remember.