Mechanics v. Atmosphere

I need to do more things. Someone far smarter than myself told me that experiences are most critical in changing thought processes, and I have some thought processes I need to change. I’m getting better at just trying things, even if they might not work out, and just seeing what sticks. Cause sometimes things do, though not often. Still, you never know. And so I want to try an experiment. I’m not sure what kind yet; some kind of experience. An experimental experience. Maybe I will try to go days at a time without speaking. I have always been so curious about what that might be like, but I know it would make no sense to those around me who would expect me to communicate efficiently.

That would definitely be an experience, not using my voice for days. Maybe that would help change my faulty logic. It makes sense to me—my logic does—but it doesn’t make me “happy”, and, apparently, it is not true.

For example, I feel as if one shouldn’t feel especially good about oneself just for doing things that are generally expected, such as graduating high school, being independently capable of basic functioning, not breaking the law, or not being hateful to other people. My thought has been, “you don’t get brownie points for achieving the mediocre”. If you do something at an above-average level, you deserve to feel sort of good about it. If you do something at an average level, you are allowed to feel neutral or—at best—vaguely satisfied. If your performance is below-average, well…you see where I am going with this.

But, apparently, that sort of thinking isn’t necessarily true. And it is certainly a discouraging way to live. Because I often fail to do things that are “generally expected”, or just barely do them by the skin of my teeth, following my own logic I have no right to feel anything but disappointed with myself. In theory, I know this isn’t right. One should be able to feel good about the good choices one makes: the choice to study instead of not, to make an effort socially, to put some effort into functioning independently, to exercise, to stop and think, to make use of gifts and talents, to finally take a shower even though you’re not even going anywhere today. People should feel good about that sort of thing, about just not totally failing at life. And I know that, in my head. In that part of my mind that actually controls my thoughts and emotions, though, not so much.

If you’ve ever opened up one of those self-help books, perhaps you’ve encountered the conundrum of being told that “you are not your feelings” and “your feelings don’t have to control you” while at the same time being pelted with all sorts of information on how to redirect your thought processes purely so that you can have better feelings. The bits of my mind that I trust are all cranks and levers and gears, and to those bits that seems like a dry sort of joke. But the bits of my mind that puzzle me—the bits that are all ebbs and flows and unpredictable weather—want to understand it very badly because maybe somewhere in that riddle is the key to…something. Something that the gears and levers think I shouldn’t need, but that the snow in summertime thinks is essential to my survival.

I am a psychology major and sometimes all of it just makes me want to gag and bang my head against a wall simultaneously.
But on the other hand I know that it is all true and that it has helped millions of people.
My right and left brain are constantly clashing and I am very, very tired of thinking so much but what else is there to do in this little town? I do love to think; thinking is my favorite. But some things cannot be thought out and my brain crashes.

For all of that, though, the concept has made me feel more peaceful in certain ways. It is nice knowing in at least part of my mind that my worth need not be dependent on my productivity.
I'll put it this way: The gears are still churning, but the weather is a bit calmer.